"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangement, that dweam wifin a dweam. And wuv, tru wuv,will fowow you foweva. So tweasure your wuv" --Impressive Clergyman (The Princess Bride)
Marriage ("Mawage" in quote above). For some of you, you are in a season of sweetness and light: loving your spouse, your kids, your station in life. For others, the word marriage might be a little sharp, a little tender. Marriage is hard. It is two sinners sharing a sink and toothpaste and carpool and ballpark dinners for a very long time. It is definitely not designed around our comfort or "completion" like in the movie Jerry Maguire. "You. Complete. Me." Actually, it can be more like, "You. Annoy. Me. and I used to think that was cute...now it's a less-than-desirable personality quirk." You love your spouse, and you're committed to them, but some days the "work" outweighs the ooey-gooey feelings! Of course, in an absolutely sin-free perfect world, marriage is a spotless picture of Christ’s relationship with his church, which is us! He loves us completely and cares for us perfectly. But we humans fall far short.
At our Elementary Back to School Night, I encouraged the adults to "parent like a fiend," go all the way through it, take the long view, etc. And the same can be said for marriage: if you're married, play the long game. Don't let a fly ball (cutting word, insult) or a strike out (we want different things in life) cause you to quit the game. It's a relationship that takes maintenance.
I have a daughter in Mississippi, one in Alabama, and one in Hammond...When they leave BR, I try to remember to check their car's oil and other fluids. I want their cars to last a long time, but for that to happen, those little things must be maintained. It's the same in marriage: those cutting words that never get talked about or the division of labor that needs to happen for the house to function with several children running rampant, the minutiae of life that has the ability to derail the most committed couples over time--these are the fluids in a marriage, so keeping a "check" on them helps that sacred relationship not OVERHEAT and become un-functional on the side of the road. Maybe this is a nightly check in once the kids are down. Maybe it's weekly or bimonthly maintenance counseling (to try and avoid needing "emergency counseling.") Maybe this is date night each week where you talk about the "business of family/how the kids are doing/schedule stuff" for 20 minutes and spend the next hour trading relationship currency: what made you sad this last week? or happy? What dreams do you feel are falling by the wayside? How can I support you in your role as_________? What is something I'm doing that makes you feel cared for? Is there anything I'm doing or saying that makes you feel_______(unseen, unheard, unappreciated, betrayed, etc.).
To never talk about those things after marriage (didn't we talk about all the fluffy and lovey things while dating???!!) is akin to pulling out the dipstick in a car hoping that there's oil on it--even though we never took it in for service (for an oil change or maintenance of any kind). It eventuates in couples growing apart over time, perhaps with animosity...and NO ONE begins a marriage hoping for that.
I should probably pause here and address those of us who are not married (like me!). I am a single mom of 6 (and as of last Thursday, I joined the grandmother club as well!). There are many reasons why people find themselves single, and even though this blog topic is on marriage, please keep reading. I had a wonderful marriage for 21 years...it formed me in ways that I cannot even put into words: marriage gave me a view of the gospel, a reason to put selfishness aside, a longing for true humility and service, and a realization that "my way or the high way" was not a great way to live (or parent) and that my opinion was not always the "right" one! And life does sometimes fall apart--through death or divorce or any number of things. And no, that's not the way things are supposed to be, but some of us live that reality.
We were created in God's image, his design, his plan, and all that was marred in the garden. Ever since, we've been mired in sin and selfishness, even in marriage. And in no other relationship does God give us an opportunity to so often die to ourselves than in marriage (and yes, parenting, too!): to prefer someone else, to serve someone else. And it is SO hard to keep the balance of humility but not enmeshment, serving but not people-pleasing. This is HARD. There are so many things to always keep in tension. And we must know ourselves rightly to be able to bring our best selves to marriage.
Some action items:
1. Pray with and for your spouse (husbands, there is not another time that we women feel closer to you than when we hear your voice asking the God of the universe to show up--in our family, in our lives, in our kids, in the way we spend our money, in our relationships...back me up on this, wives--praying with a spouse IS the way to each other's heart)
2. Find an older, Godly couple further down the marriage path than you and spend time with them. Watch them. Talk with them. There might be days you're looking for that "resignation office," and having deep friendships with long-married couples helps!
3. Prioritize your marriage. Do whatever it takes to honor and serve your spouse above your children. More is caught than taught, and they are watching your marriage. Your daughter is wondering, "How should a man treat me when I'm older?" And sons are figuring out, "What does it look like to be a Godly husband?" You are bequeathing a picture of marriage to your kids NOW. Do they see you discuss things well? Do they see you disagree without being disagreeable? Do they see you perform acts of service for each other and show genuine affection for each other? Kids are smart. They are picking up what you're putting down. So be careful!
4. Ask God to bless your marriage. It is not an entity that just stays healthy from the minute you say, "I do." It has to be fed and watered and maintained. Remind God of his promises in his word, and for our part, we have to lean into the virtues that Christ asks us to emulate: are we becoming more loving, more generous, more peaceful, kind, and holy? NONE of those things can happen in our own strength (in the short term, maybe, but not over a 60-year marriage); we need the Holy Spirit.
5. Read something aloud together, even just 2 pages a night instead of Candy Crush!
Timothy Keller's book, The Meaning of Marriage is dense but good--"marriage is not about your happiness but about your holiness!" And I have not read The Mindful Marriage yet, but it is sitting right here on my desk and comes to me by recommendation of a trusted friend, so I'm hoping it's good! Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, The Four Loves by CS Lewis, or Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make by Paul David Tripp would be good places to start, too!
Marriage is a relationship worth fighting for. God says so Himself. After all, He created it!
